How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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