At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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