singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
