I'm really into asian looking animals
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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