I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
