maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
