found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
