I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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