do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Is Oprah even human
Randomize
