is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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