I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
