he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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