I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
