Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
