So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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