I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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