The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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