Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
