it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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