I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
