Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Randomize
