Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
