Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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