I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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