Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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