I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize