I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
