I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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