My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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