so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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