I wish my penis had an off switch
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
