no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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