I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
ttyl tear gas
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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