Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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