Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
