Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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