I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
