i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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