no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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