Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
