I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
