dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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