if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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