And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
