I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
