Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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