guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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