when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
