I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
