I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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