R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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