I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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