youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
