Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
