The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
