I'm pants shitting drunk right now
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
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