apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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