I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
