She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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