he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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