I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
